Making an Exhibits Officer of Himself
by GirlonaBridge
Summary: All Kevin wanted was to be the one in charge of watching the DVDs collected from the Birkenshaws' house. A funny take on what might have happened if his little dream came true. Very silly.


**Quotation at the beginning is taken from Series 1, episode 4 – written by the fabulous Sally Wainwright, not me.**

* * *

_'Are you the Exhibits Officer?' Janet asked._

_'Yeah,' Rachel nodded. 'I'm just giving forensics an hour or so to get cracking.'_

_'Well, you're in for a real treat I'm telling you [...] Hard core porn merchants.'_

_Rachel leaned forward on her desk. 'No way!'_

...

'Hey Rachel, any chance of swapping jobs on this one?' Kevin looked expectantly at his fellow DC, eyes deliberately puppy-like. Rachel threw him a look that said _are you mad? _and turned back to her computer.

'Ah go on, Rach. Don't be like that.' Rachel lifted her head and spun her chair slightly towards him.

'Like what?' she demanded. 'Like a person who wants to live past the next briefing, d'you mean? Godzilla would have my head on a plate.' She didn't bother to add _and yours_. Kevin's head was of so little value that it had ceased being worthwhile to threaten it a long time ago. He was too daft to even realise when he was standing into danger. Like now.

Mustering his resources, Kevin hitched himself out of his chair and went to lean over Rachel's desk.

'I'd be good at it. I've got like specialist knowledge.' He coughed a little uncomfortably and Rachel was hit by the sudden urge to giggle. She suppressed it firmly and kept her eyes glued to her screen, feigning disinterest.

'Oh yeah, and what would that be?'

Kevin coughed again and shifted his feet. 'You know...' Rachel didn't react, forcing him to continue.

'With the porno... industry.' In spite of herself, Rachel's eyebrows shot up. She put her hands flat on her desk and looked him directly in the eye, spoke slowly and seriously.

'Kevin, I did five years in the sex crimes unit. I think I've got all the "specialist knowledge" I need, thanks.'

...

Kevin tracked Janet down in the briefing room where she had holed up to do her interview prep. in peace. He stuck his round the door and, on spotting her, wandered in with all the nonchalance of the cat stalking the canary. Janet was on her guard at once.

'So you're interviewing Vicky Birkenshaw aren't you?' Janet put her pen down. This was obviously going to take a while.

'Yes.'

'Who's sitting in with you?' Kevin lolled against the table opposite her in what he hoped was a charming and disarming manner.

'Pete is.' Janet frowned. 'You know that Kevin.'

'Oh yeah, I forgot.' Kevin leaned forward, lowering his voice conspiratorially.

'Don't you think, wouldn't Rachel be better for this one? The female touch and all that.' He nodded significantly.

Janet's face creased in confusion. 'Rachel's on exhibits. And anyway, since when did you care who I conduct interviews with?'

'I was just thinking.'

Janet's eyebrows shot up under her fringe. Thinking, that was a new one for him. Then she narrowed her eyes at him.

'Is this because of Myra? What makes you think Rachel is going to be any nicer to than I am? And I don't think we're her type either Kev.'

'No no no.' Kevin stood up, trying to come up with another tactic.

'I thought, maybe, you're right. Vicky' He couldn't help but emphasise the name.

'She does this thing to men. Yeah.' His eyes lit up. 'We get... distracted around her. So maybe Rachel would be better for this one than Pete.'

Kevin nodded, poker faced. 'Safer.'

Janet gave him a long look over her glasses. There was something going on here that she couldn't quite grasp but, whatever it was, she wasn't going to be drawn in.

'Handing out assignments is Gill's job, or Andy's, not mine. Talk to them if you've got a problem with it. Now will you toddle off so I can get on with this so somebody gets to interview the mad cow before we're out of time.' Janet raised her eyebrows with a pointed, mirthless smile and promptly buried herself in her paperwork again. Kevin slunk out the door in silence.

…

Kevin bumped into Pete in the Gents' whilst he was still trying to figure out what to try next. He reckoned it must be fate giving him a nudge so he charged straight in.

'Here Pete mate, you're sitting in on the interview with Vicky Birkenshaw, aren't you?'

'That's right.' Pete gave him a wary look. You never knew with Kevin.

Kevin pursed his lips and shook his head. 'Rather you than me mate.'

Pete frowned. 'Why? I thought you liked her.' Pete had heard all about the scenes at the custody desk. Gossip travelled faster than Kevin did. Kevin put on a pained expression.

'You haven't met her yet. She makes you go all funny, like. It wasn't just me, ask Andy. She seems really nice. I felt sorry for her. But after I left her I felt really groggy and woozy and all that. Maybe her perfume is drugged or something. But it's only men it affects. I'm tellin' you, it made me go all weird.' Kevin felt bad for lying about such a nice, interesting lady but needs must.

Pete paused in the middle of washing his hands and stared helplessly at Kevin for a second.

'Kev, you were already weird.'

Kevin threw up his hands, following Pete to the other end of the toilets as he reached for the paper towels.

'No no no but listen right. What I'm saying is you don't want to go in there. I'm looking out for you. Get Rachel to do it.' Pete stopped, one hand on the door handle.

'What are you playing at?' Kevin froze mid-flap and immediately adopted a self-consciously "cool" position.

'I don't know what you mean.'

Pete looked incredulous then shook his head and walked out muttering to himself. Left behind, Kevin slumped against the wall. Another dead end. Maybe he needed to try higher up.

…

'Ah good, Kevin.' Andy didn't even look up as Kevin sauntered into the main office, hands in pockets, whistling gratingly. Nobody else on the team could be that irritating before they had even opened their mouth, not even Rachel.

'Sarge.'

'Mitch is waiting to get started.' Kevin looked blank.

'With Sodunke.' Kevin still showed no signs of intelligence and Andy sighed heavily. Sometimes you had to spell it out letter by letter. It was hard work.

'You are supposed to be sitting in with Mitch to interview Sodunke. Go get your notebook and get down there.' Kevin's face cleared as comprehension dawned. He had been so wrapped up in his plotting that he had completely forgotten he had a job to do this morning. To Andy's mild annoyance, he didn't exactly hop to it. He wandered over to his desk slowly and fiddled with a couple of things.

'Did they get all the stuff over from the house yet?' he asked with calculated disinterest. Andy still rolled his eyes. He knew exactly what Kevin was on about.

'They're bringing it in now but that has nothing to do with you.' Andy put the emphasis on nothing. 'If Rachel finds anything of interest to the investigation, you'll hear about it. Now will you get downstairs please Kevin.' Andy was normally a very patient Sergeant. It was one of the attributes that made him so good in the position. But Kevin – he would try the patience of a saint on the best of days and today was clearly not his best.

Kevin shuffled out, mumbling as he went. 'It's all of interest to me.'

…

There was no harm, Kevin told himself, in taking the long way round to meet Mitch and if he happened to pass the back door at the same moment that the exhibits stuff arrived then nobody could blame him for taking a quick dekko at it. Could they? He ignored the tiny tiny voice in his head that told him that the boss would certainly take a dim view of his behaviour. It was a very small, quiet voice and it was used to being ignored.

Kevin jogged jauntily down the stairs and swung through the double doors. He had already turned left instead of right, heading away from the interview rooms, when he saw his SIO heading towards him.

'Oh shit,' he breathed. What made it even worse was that, down the far end of the corridor, he could see a couple of uniforms carrying in bagloads of stuff that could only have come from the Birkenshaw house. So close and yet... Kevin's footsteps slowed to match the pace of his thoughts as he desperately tried to come up with an excuse for being where he had no right to be, but his brain froze. The only thing that he could think was that here was the only person who really had the authority to make him Exhibits Officer instead of Rachel, instead of interviewing that Sodunke bloke.

But would she? Would she buggery.

And did he have the balls to ask her? Did he hell.

Kevin had worked his way to a standstill by the time that Gill bore down on him. His mouth opened of its own accord and he started to panic as he realised that he had no idea what it was about to say.

'Kevin. Just the person.'

'Err Boss. Errr... what?' Kevin's brain froze even harder as he tried to come to terms with this unusual form of greeting. Just the person for what? Ritual murder and mutilation? Was she being sarcastic? That often confused him.

'We've got the daughter.' Gill charged onward, dragging Kevin behind her.

'Well, we think we've got the daughter.' She stopped to correct herself and noticed that Kevin wasn't keeping up.

'I need Rachel to interview her. You can take over Exhibits for this one. It's coming in now.' She jerked her head. Kevin stared, mouth slightly open. Gill regarded him for a second then gestured with her hand.

'Well, get on with it. I'm heading up stairs to brief Rachel and Andy.' She was already leaving as she spoke. Her last words were called back over her shoulder. 'Let Mitch know what you're doing. My orders.' She was gone.

Kevin stood stock still and gawped.

'Yeah, yeah, yeah, great. Just dump it over there.' Kevin staggered into the room, almost completely hidden behind an armful of evidence bags. The see-through plastic bags were full of videos, DVDs and recording equipment. He placed them down very gently, wincing as a stack of videos slipped and clattered to the ground. The uniform who had followed him in was carrying a single sack full of paperwork. She dumped it as instructed and gave Kevin a curious look as he almost shooed her out of the room. Kevin eased the door closed then turned to surveyed his prized hoard almost reverently. He sighed and a beatific smile spread across his face. He couldn't help but rub his hands together, although he looked round guiltily, almost expecting someone to tell him off even in the empty room.

Slowly, savouring the moment, Kevin took out the first set of DVDs and sat himself down in front of the computer. First, he carefully arranged his daybook and pen in a likely position on the desk in front of him. He even went to the trouble of noting the date, time and task he was actioning. Then, he inserted the first disk. As the little drawer slid shut, he sighed again. The image sprang up, complete with raucous sound effects and Kevin's jaw dropped a solid three inches.

When the door swung open he leapt right out of his seat, scrabbling wildly for the mouse. It spun out of his sweat-slippery hand and shot across the desk. The performers on screen chose that moment to escalate their activities and the volume increased exponentially. Kevin looked up to see the uniform from a minute ago standing in the doorway, looking slightly alarmed by now.

'Err, last one.' She held up another evidence bag and all too obviously bit back a giggle.

Kevin turned red. She was quite pretty actually, he noticed. He realised that he was bent double over the desk, with his arse in the air, and behind him the computer was still spewing forth a stream of obscene noises. He jerked upright, banged his elbow off the computer screen, nudging it round towards the surprisingly pretty, now definitely giggling uniform and turned redder still. He tried to grab for the screen and the mouse at the same time and succeeded mainly in catching his head on the corner of the screen. By some happy miracle, he also hit the button to open the disk drive and the embarrassing images and even more embarrassing sound effects died a sudden death. Kevin rubbed his head with his hand and nodded wearily to the uniform.

'Thanks. Just...' He gestured to the pile. She dropped the bag and left with a final nervous chuckle.

…

The whole experience rather upset Kevin's equilibrium and he had to go get himself a brew before he was able to settle to work again. Having returned everything on the desk to its rightful place, he restarted the DVD and was soon lost to the world at large.

Half an hour later, he was still there – eyes glued to the screen, mouth hanging – as the lurid coloured images played out a series of unlikely scenarios. His mug of tea was almost untouched. This time, when the door opened, it took Kevin a minute to even register the fact. He looked up somewhat groggily to see Janet leaning on the door handle, looking decidedly pissed off. As Kevin struggled manfully to focus, he noticed a scuffling noise coming from the corridor and a collection of spluttered laughter. Janet turned her head to glare behind her then fixed her eyes on Kevin again. She raised her eyebrows. He knew that meant he was supposed to do something but he had no idea what that something was. Exasperated, Janet slammed the door behind her and strode over to him.

'Can you shut that thing up for a minute, please?'

Kevin jumped in his seat, stood up, hastily sat down again and tucked his chair closer under the desk as he grappled for the mouse once more. Janet rolled her eyes. She leaned over him and hit the mute button with one precise finger. The silence that rolled through the room was deafening and it began to dawn on Kevin that he had had the volume turned up quite high.

'Do you think,' Janet began in a tone that was gently biting, ' that you could keep it down, just a little? You've got half the nick out there, hanging round the door, listening to this pantomime. I heard you all the way from downstairs. Well, not you – it – but you're responsible for it, so turn the sodding thing down. I'm not sitting in an interview with that cocky evil cow smirking at me because we can hear you up here getting off on her handiwork.'

'I'm not...' Kevin objected automatically but Janet silenced him with a look.

'Some of us are trying to work. Turn it down. Ok?'

Kevin nodded.

It occurred to him, after Janet had left, that he should have protested. He was working, after all, the boss had given him this job. All the same, he hunted out the volume controls and lowered them from 80% to 25% before he restarted the film. It turned out to be surprisingly complicated. Kevin found himself poking around in areas of the computer's settings that he had never even known existed before he finally found the thing he was looking for. But it was worth it - when you were in trouble with Scotty, you really were in the doghouse.

…

'Are you getting anywhere Kevin?' Andy stuck his head round the door and, seeing Kevin staring slack-jawed and goggle-eyed with his nose practically touching the screen, he almost wished he hadn't. There were distinct downsides to being a Sergeant and babysitting Kevin was definitely one of them. Andy sighed and repeated his question a little louder.

Lee, passing the door at that instant, paused to grin in at the situation. 'Oh, I bet he is, Sarge.'

'Why's everyone getting at me today?' Kevin shot him a glare that only caused Lee's grin to widen.

'All right, all right.' Andy waved Lee on his way and entered the room properly.

'Well?' He looked at Kevin expectantly but wasn't surprised to be met with a blank expression again. 'Anything on there? Anything _useful_?'

'Err... well.' Kevin groped for his daybook, trying to give the impression of professionalism. Unfortunately, his pen seemed to have fallen to the floor and, when he looked at the page, he discovered he had written nothing since the initial title.

'Nothing really, Sarge.' Kevin decided to try to play it cool. 'Nothing relevant to the investigation.' He felt quite proud of that little sentence – it sounded good.

'What about the recording equipment?' Andy glanced around the room as Kevin's face fell.

'Errr... what?'

'The video camera. Cameras by the look of it. That might show us what they've been up to more recently. Anything on them?' Kevin's face continued to fall.

'Don't tell me you've only looked at the DVDs.' Andy could feel a headache coming on.

'Well there's a lot of them,' Kevin huffed. 'I can't look at everything at once.'

'Yes, but,' Andy took a deep breath - patience, 'you need to prioritise the evidence that you examine, according to how likely it is to be relevant to the case.'

'Oh, right.' Kevin cast a longing look at the computer screen that still showed the cavorting couple, currently in a particularly interesting set of costumes. 'So d'you want me to check out the recording stuff now then?'

'I think that might be a good idea.' Andy was wondering if there was anything else he could say to try to keep Kevin on the right track when the door burst open so hard it bounced off the wall.

Both men looked round, startled. People didn't normally go about banging doors in Oldham Police Station. A uniformed Sergeant stood there, beetroot red and obviously furious.

'Turn that bloody thing off.' He bawled, glowering at the computer. 'It is you. I couldn't believe it. But it is you lot. Turn it off.' Kevin, reacting purely to the yelling voice, jumped to obedience at once. Andy, as the more senior officer, stepped forward.

'What's going on?' He kept his voice as even as possible, although a slight edge to it served to remind the other Sergeant who he was speaking to. Making a mighty effort, he restrained his tone of voice when he answered, although he was still almost apoplectic with rage.

'That plonker,' he nodded at Kevin, 'is broadcasting that filth,' he nodded at the computer, 'all over the bloody nick.'

'What?' 'I'm not.' Two faces showed equal levels confusion.

'You are mate.' The Sergeant eyed the on-screen video still with disgust. 'I recognise them pair. You know how I recognise them? Because I've seen them on every public TV screen in the sodding station.'

'Eh? How's that then?' Kevin looked totally bamboozled.

'I don't know.' The uniformed Sarge nearly exploded. 'I've been running round the whole building trying to work out where it was coming from. I thought we'd been hacked. Then someone says you're up here watching pornos and...'

'I'm not watching porn.' Kevin objected loudly. 'I'm examining it.' He looked to his own Sergeant for back up. Andy was forced to nod wearily.

'You're not supposed to be broadcasting it though,' he couldn't help himself muttering. 'All right.' He immediately held out his hand, assuming authority, as both men started to protest.

'I think you'd better shut that whole thing down and unplug _everything _until we can get someone down here who can understand what you've managed to do to it to link it in to the internal television system.' Kevin looked sulky but Andy's tone brooked no argument.

The other Sergeant was still red-faced and seething. 'You haven't heard the end of this.' He wagged his finger at Kevin's back. 'I've had half-a-dozen complaints from the public already.'

'He did what?' Rachel stifled her giggles behind her hands. Janet nodded, making her eyes go huge with significance.

'This old lady who had come in to report her dog was missing nearly had a heart attack.'

'Oh no.' Pete looked almost morose. But he couldn't quite keep from chuckling when Lee described the Desk Sergeant tearing up the stairs, gunning for Kevin's blood.

'How did he even manage that? I mean, I couldn't make a computer do something like that if I tried.' Mitch shook his head in amazement.

The comments subsided into titters and chuckles as the topic of conversation entered the briefing room. He was looking decidedly less perky than usual. The shine had really gone off the day by the time that Andy had finished with him and he had still had to check through and log all of the recording equipment and paperwork that had been brought in. Apparently, the financial side to any industry was boring, even making pornos. Kevin had been hard-pushed to get through it all in time for the team briefing. His head was swimming, his eyes were blurring, he had broken his calculator by stabbing it too hard and, to make things worse, he hadn't even found any leads. He slumped down in his seat at the table, barely registering the grins and noises of repressed amusement around him. He didn't even notice Janet give him a sympathetic look or Rachel nudge her with a frown. It was a long minute before his eyes focussed on the object in front of his place.

It was a doll's house television, a rough wooden one, with a picture of Kevin himself, caught pulling a silly face, stuck onto the screen and someone had written _oooh! _in tiny black letters coming out of his mouth. Kevin grabbed the thing, colouring wildly as he shoved it in his pocket. The room erupted in laughter but Kevin sank lower in his chair, looking moody. Where the hell was Godzilla? Kevin had never wanted a briefing to start so much in his life.

Two minutes later and bang on time, Gill streamed into the room with Andy following. She added a photograph to the whiteboard and plonked herself in the chair at the head of the table. The mutters and giggles came to an abrupt, guilty halt.

'Right folks. Where are we?'

By the time Kevin had heard that Janet had got nowhere with Vicky Birkenshaw, Mitch had got nothing out of Sodunke, there had been a classic case of crossed wires which meant that Rachel had spent the day chasing round in circles and the daughter still hadn't been found, Kevin was feeling slightly better about his day. Until Gill turned her attention on him.

'Kevin, what did you get from those DVDs?'

'N..nothing ma'am,' he stuttered, shuffling himself into a more upright position.

Gill raised her eyebrows at him. 'Nothing?' It had been a long and increasingly frustrating day, topped off by this long and increasingly frustrating briefing, and her patience was wearing thin.

'Nothing of interest to the case or just nothing, nothing at all?'

'Err no ma'am.

It was too much, Gill could see it on his face. She was not going to get anything more coherent out of him. 'What have you been doing all day?'

'Nothing.' Kevin spoke into his shirt, doing a nice impression of a kicked dog. Gill's face twisted in confusion.

'Well I'd say that's pretty obvious,' she snapped. She pulled her glasses off and let them clatter to the table.

'Ok,' she said. Time to bring this shambles to a close. Maybe tomorrow would be better. It would help if they all woke up with their brains in the right place for starters. Before she could dismiss the team, however, she was interrupted by a knock at the door. Everyone's heads turned and Gill looked positively shocked. MIT briefings were not something that people barged in on.

'Come in,' she said, head held high. The Desk Sergeant from downstairs pushed open the door. His eyes flicked around the room, darkening when they fell on Kevin, then they found Gill at the head of the table.

'DCI Murray.' Out of the corner of her eye, Gill noticed Kevin turn a very peculiar colour and sink even further in his seat.

'Can I have a word?'


End file.
